is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
