Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
