oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
