I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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