planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
