forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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