I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize