i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
