I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize