i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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