God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
