awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
