Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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