The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
