I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
