I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
