Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
