so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize