Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
