Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
