She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
