Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
40s are totally the cure
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
