I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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