I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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