I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
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