Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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