just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He felt like a one man threesome
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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