I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
