my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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