she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
