My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
