i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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