Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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