I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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