We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
