I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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