Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
