I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
