i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
