guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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