Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
