theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
