one two three fourrrrnication!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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