Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
