Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
