We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
