What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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