Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I forget how to act sober
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
