my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
