The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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