Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
