giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
