Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
3pm strippers are depressing
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize