My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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