I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
