so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
