The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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