just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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